My relationship with food; the good, the bad and the naughty.

Updated : 27/04/14

Food has always been a large part of my life from a young age, and has been something enjoyed as part of a family, food being a central part of birthdays, Christmas and any special occasion. I like to believe that I have always eaten healthily, and generally favoured healthy food, loving fruit and vegetables, and rarely choosing chips, crisps or fizzy drinks. However, although I have always had a love for fruit and vegetables, I also have a sweet tooth. 

Chocolate, cake, and biscuits are my addiction, they are what I constantly reach for, although it’s said you can’t be addicted to chocolate, I feel as if I am. Once its in front of me, or in the cupboard my self control disappears, chocolate bars are gone before they even make it home, whole packets of biscuits are destroyed in one sitting without me even noticing, and I will have my cake, and eat it too! This over indulgence on high calorie food has meant I have been slightly overweight for most of my life. 

My weight and size has been an issue for as long as I can remember, since around the age of 10 I have felt bigger than all my friends, and from about the age of 12 have been uncomfortable and upset with my size. Although I rarely experienced any bullying or negativity in relation to my size, i was always aware of looking different and bigger. These feelings led to low self confidence and a hate of my own body, I became more aware of what I was eating, and from the age of 14 I was constantly on and off diets. Although I was conscious of my weight, I never managed to loose a considerable amount, and never stuck to any healthy eating plan, always reverting back to old habits, and feelings of ‘I don’t care, Im fat anyway’. I tried multiple different things, calorie counting, not eating carbs, cutting down chocolate, drinking energy drinks and not eating whilst at college, however nothing ever worked and I would eventually become disheartened and turn to my chocolate covered comforts. 

Up until the age of 19 I had a strong dislike for my body, and even when I wasn’t trying to loose weight, and ate what I wanted I still disliked myself. However something happened to change my perceptions of myself, and that was travelling to Australia and spending three months of my gap year there. During this time I ate what I wanted, didn't care what people thought of me, and had some of the best experiences of my life, whilst at my highest ever weight. When I came back from travelling I made a promise to myself to loose weight and become more healthy, and this time I succeeded in loosing a considerable amount. My perceptions of myself were no longer negative, and although I am still in the process of becoming healthy I don’t hate myself, or my body anymore. 

However, my relationship with food is still something I struggle with, I have once again been through many stages of changing my diet. I have cut out types of food, spending one month as a vegetarian, I have also calorie counted, restricted food types, eaten whatever I wanted, and binged on chocolate goodies. Although I am happy with myself, I still want to be slimmer and a more healthy weight, and this has meant my focus on food has increased. I have a strong awareness of food, always checking calories, sugar and fat content, and arguing with myself over eating ‘naughty’ foods. However the naughty foods often find themselves in my possession, during all types of moods I can justify eating badly, happy, sad, angry, upset, bored, any time I can find a reason to eat unhealthy I will. Afterwards I always promise myself that I’ll change, ‘eat healthier tomorrow, ban chocolate, start dieting’, yet this never seems to last. 

Research has shown that children may model their parent’s food intake and copy what they eat, however they can also model their parents attitudes to food and their body dissatisfaction (Brown and Ogden, 2003). A study by Steiger et al. (1994, cited in Brown and Ogden, 2003) found a link between a mother and daughter’s concern over weight and body image, and Hill et al. (1990, cited in Brown and Ogden, 2003) reported a direct correspondence between a mother and daughter’s level of dietary restraint. Showing the role of observational learning and the influence of parental attitudes and behaviour on young girls (Brown and Ogden, 2003). 

I believe my relationship to food stems from my eating habits as a child, and also my mum’s feeling towards food and also to herself. Since I can remember my mum was always talking about loosing weight, starting diets, buying low fat options, and disliking her body. When I was a young teenager struggling with my weight, it became something my mum focused on too. She would tell me off for eating certain things, or make comments on what I ate, these comments made me see certain foods as bad. From a young age my mum had always restricted what I ate, we had a cupboard that locked that contained the biscuit tin. I remember climbing on a chair to try and reach the shelf where the key was hidden. I remember hiding wrappers in my room, or down the side of the sofa so mum wouldn’t know what I’d eaten.

Studies have shown that parent’s restricting access to food may promote and increase the intake of these restricted foods when given the option to freely consume, whilst also generating negative feelings about having eaten these restricted foods (Fisher and Birch, 2000). There is also evidence that children who experience restriction may see these foods a highly attractive and also may associate the consumption of these foods with parental disapproval (Fisher and Birch, 2000).

Hiding the ‘bad’ foods from me was something my mum did from a young age, and still does now. I believe this restriction on the ‘bad’ and ‘naughty’ foods made me crave them more, and when I managed to get my hands on some I binged. Eating lots in case I didn’t get the chance again and hiding the wrappers so no one would know. This is something that I still do now, binging on food when I get it, lying to people about what, or how much I’ve eaten,  and hiding the wrappers from everyone and also from myself. Even though I now live away from home and have total control over my food and eating, I still find myself uncontrollably eating, and lying to myself to justify what I’ve done. 

Parents restricting food therefore labels certain foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, this allows children to place a negative feeling towards eating certain foods, with the association of guilt for eating a bad food (Fisher and Birch, 2000). The level of restriction imposed by parents can also contribute to the development of restrained eating and dieting within young girls (Hill, 1999, cited in Fisher and Birch, 2000).

My relationship with food has been a struggle for most of my life, even though Im now confident and comfortable with my body, my eating habits, and how I see certain types of food are still an issue. I am hoping to change my thoughts and feeling towards food, and become more healthy in both what I eat and how I feel towards what Im eating. 

BROWN, R. and Ogden, J. (2003) Children’s eating attitudes and behaviour: a study of the modelling and control theories of parental influence. Health Education Research, 19 (3). 261-271

FISHER, J.O. and BIRCH, L.L. (2000) Parent’s restrictive feeding practices are associated with young girls’ negative self-evaluation of eating. J Am Diet Assoc, 100 (11). 1341-1346